Same sex relationships involving violence are
not about two people "mutually fighting". Dating and domestic
violence is about power and control; the abuser's goal is to dominate
the victim.
There are many factors involved in a victim's inability
to leave a battering relationship. As in relationships between straight
couples, there is a cycle of behavior that includes periods of abuse
as well as periods of love and calm, which can lead to confusion
about whether the abusive partner is really, in fact, abusive. There
are also issues of economic dependency, lack of resources, fear
and shame that the survivor must deal with in order to break free
from the relationship.
But in a lesbian or gay relationship, there are
additional issues that must be faced: manipulation on the part of
the abuser who may threaten to "out" their partner if
she or he tries to get help or to flee. Outing is a serious issue
in a society that continues to deny gay citizens full rights. A
lesbian or gay man who is outed to her or his employers may lose
their job. Being outed to friends or family may cause the loss of
relationships to people who have been important in their life. The
fear of losing her children by court order can also keep an abused
lesbian or gay man in an unsafe relationship.
Are you a victim?
Some RED FLAGS for detecting an abuser:
- A push for quick involvement
-
Jealousy
-
Verbal abuse: constantly criticizes you;
says hurtful things; calls you ugly name
-
You wonder, "What's wrong with me? I
shouldn't feel bad".
-
Controlling behavior ("Where have you
been?" "Who was that on the phone?")
-
Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to
be a cross between Cindy Crawford and Mother Theresa
-
Blames others for his/her problems/mistakes
-
Is frequently angry and irritable, yet claims
that nothing is wrong or does not want to talk about it, reinforcing
your impression that it is your fault
-
Sudden mood swings-from loving to violent
in matter of minutes taking you by surprise when you thought
everything was fine
-
Tries to cut you off from your family and
friends (through criticism, monopolizing your time)
-
Tries to thwart your efforts in school and/or
at work
-
You are upset not so much about concrete
issues-for example how often to see each other-as about the
communication in your relationship: what he/she thinks you said
and what you heard him/her say
-
His/her opinions are always right and yours
are not taken into account or taken seriously
-
Has damaged property of yours and/or threatens
violence
-
"Playful" use of force during sex
and/or makes you do things you don't like
Why do people stay?
Fear of being alone: An abusive relationship erodes
a person's Self-worth. One is constantly degraded and looses self-esteem
and confidence as a result. The abuse makes one feel inferior.
Psychological trauma: People experience fear and confusion, preventing
them from breaking free. They learn to accept this abusive treatment
as "normal" and lose confidence that they can act in defense
for themselves.
Shame: People are afraid of what others might think or say. They
experience a sense of failure if they are generally given the responsibility
for the relationship. They fear the stigma of a break-up and domestic
violence. People feel guilty for leaving, they think they must make
the relationship work.
Denial: People get brainwashed and confused. They believe that they
deserve the abusive treatment because their perception of reality
clashes with what their abuser tells them: That it is all her/his
fault. They do not want to be labeled as victims.
Fear of retaliation: People fear that their abuser will become more
aggressive and will seek out revenge if they leave, they do not
want to create more problems. They think that leaving the relationship
increases the violence from the abuser and puts one at a higher
risk.
Lack of financial resources: People do not think that they could
make it on their own because they have always been financially dependent
on their partner.
Truths about abuse
DATING/DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME. Experts believe
that violence occurs in 15-50% of relationships. It may begin in
forms you don't think of as abuse, such as emotional and verbal
attacks. It tends to escalate into physical violence that can be
life-threatening.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS IS NOT MUTUAL.
It is not simply a "lover's quarrel" or argument. Domestic
violence involves someone using intimidation and force against a
partner or family member.
PEOPLE WHO STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT
ENJOY VIOLENCE. Leaving is not simple. Some people are too frightened
by their lover's threats to attempt it. Others stay because they
hope the abuse will stop. Many people would leave but do not have
access to resources or information.
ABUSE CAN BE FOUND IN ALL SEGMENTS OF THE COMMUNITY.
No group, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation,
age, political stance, or lifestyle, is free from domestic violence.
Do not be mistaken: people from any social group can batter or be
battered.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. Using
violence is a choice - there are always alternatives. Substance
abuse, stress, illness, and childhood abuse are often used to excuse
violent behavior. A batterer, however, is solely responsible for
the violent behavior.
If you are the friend of someone being
abused:
- Encourage your friend to get help.
- Believe what the abused person tells you. Even if the abuser
seems nice, even if the abuser is your friend!
- Educate yourself. Realize that battering exists in our community
and to ignore and deny that fact further isolates the victim-survivor.
- Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult.
Offer your friend a place to stay.
Hotlines and resources
